You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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