just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
