Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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