Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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