me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
