My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
