I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
