the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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