I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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