Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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