do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
