Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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