After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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