Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize