i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
