I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
