billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
