I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
