Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
