If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
