I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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