i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
