remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
