I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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