life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
