I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
