i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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