I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
