I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
