I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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