i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
