would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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