Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Too much gin, very little bucket
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
