I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
