you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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