people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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