he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
