I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
