I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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