So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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