i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
