I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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