so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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