I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
