Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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