Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
