google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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