You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I pour the whiskey from now on
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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