He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
