Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize