At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
