So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
