if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
