You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize