he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
