either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
