if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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