Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
