Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
