we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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