I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
